I honestly can’t describe how frustrating it is to not be able to see your family when you really really want to. But when they live almost 300 miles away and you work two jobs its almost impossible to carve out the necessary three or four days it is for a worthwhile round trip. I love living down here, this year has already been so much better than the last, but it gets so hard sometimes when all you want to do is just hug your dad and talk to your mom and you can’t, and a seriously time-laggy skype session seriously doesn’t cut it. All of my friends come from the greater LA/OC area so the longest they’ve gone without seeing their parents is maybe a couple weeks voluntarily. I get to go home maybe every few months, if I’m lucky. Working in a restaurant makes it ten times harder because you absolutely under no circumstances can request off a holiday, so I’ve already missed Mothers day, Memorial day (for my Papa) and now Father’s Day and Fourth of July. I didn’t even see my Grandma for six months because she was gone the one time I was able to go home for Easter (which got me serious heat from my boss). The funny thing is, growing up i was never homesick. I was never the kid at camp who cried for their mom. Now even writing this brings me to tears. I’m almost twenty years old but I still cry out for them because I never thought I would need them as much as I do now that I am here and they are there, and there is nothing I can do to change that.
I just want to go home. Not to stay, just to be. Maybe I only want that so much because I can’t right now.
I miss my family. So much.
what were once simple non-responses after conversations going late into the nights that were inevitably followed by an apology the next day are now ending early with an appropriate goodnight to end the conversation. where it was once an desire to say everything before you succumbed to sleep in case tomorrow never came was replaced by a certainty of the future. a promise of conversations to come. you don’t have to do it, i see that, but yet you want to. i’m grateful, flattered, even. such a simple courtesy is so often ignored between the sexes. its a simple thing, but after so many rides around the merry go round you know the little signs that mark these budding affections. its sad how inevitable it seems after a while. when you’ve played the game this many times you know the moves and yet instead of your overarching wisdom bringing you excitement as the steps advance, your little joys are increasingly tinged with dread. because while something so petty can often be the beginning, it is also the beginning of the end.
of what i don;t know, nor do i know why, but i can’t escape this unnerving feeling that it, something, everything, is going to end soon. It feels as if there is this massive storm gathering on the horizon and I am the only one who can see it and i can’t shake the haunting feeling that it’s coming for me. It clouds my mind and numbs my thoughts and all i can think is that i’m not ready for this storm to break, i am nowhere near ready for the end.
i have the complete and unshakable ability to repel every person i come near. the more i want to be with someone, the faster they run, they harder they fight. its like the minute i see how much i want to be with someone, not even romantically just around them, this noxious gas emanates from my psyche and makes them want to stay the fuck away from me. i keep telling myself not to feel, not to want, not to hope, but i feel as if I’m rebelling against my very being. Is it my subconscious desire that is so utterly repulsive to people or is it once they begin to see past my overly made-up mask they notice something that disgusts and scares them. People say that once you stop looking the right one will find you, but what if they never stay? I can’t stop seeing, can’t stop hoping that maybe, just maybe, this person can handle all the crazy fucked-up shit i have going on and that maybe I’m not alone for once, but every time i get too close they run. And its seriously killing me inside, the thought that i will continue to repel every person in my life until I am truly as alone as I feel.
And people wonder why I like wine so much.
keep your mind open, your chin up, and your heart in your pocket.
i have no idea how i came up with that myself but im kind of a little proud i did.
Fili and Kili
where are the fucking ponies
you guys had one job