Thoughts From A Blonde

I should probably write something concise and intelligent, but my only redeeming quality is my extensive vocabulary.
Oh and the personal facts:
19.
LB.
yeah...

being homesick sucks.

I honestly can’t describe how frustrating it is to not be able to see your family when you really really want to. But when they live almost 300 miles away and you work two jobs its almost impossible to carve out the necessary three or four days it is for a worthwhile round trip. I love living down here, this year has already been so much better than the last, but it gets so hard sometimes when all you want to do is just hug your dad and talk to your mom and you can’t, and a seriously time-laggy skype session seriously doesn’t cut it. All of my friends come from the greater LA/OC area so the longest they’ve gone without seeing their parents is maybe a couple weeks voluntarily. I get to go home maybe every few months, if I’m lucky. Working in a restaurant makes it ten times harder because you absolutely under no circumstances can request off a holiday, so I’ve already missed Mothers day, Memorial day (for my Papa) and now Father’s Day and Fourth of July. I didn’t even see my Grandma for six months because she was gone the one time I was able to go home for Easter (which got me serious heat from my boss). The funny thing is, growing up i was never homesick. I was never the kid at camp who cried for their mom. Now even writing this brings me to tears. I’m almost twenty years old but I still cry out for them because I never thought I would need them as much as I do now that I am here and they are there, and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I just want to go home. Not to stay, just to be. Maybe I only want that so much because I can’t right now.

I miss my family. So much. 

it starts with the goodnight texts

what were once simple non-responses after conversations going late into the nights that were inevitably followed by an apology the next day are now ending early with an appropriate goodnight to end the conversation. where it was once an desire to say everything before you succumbed to sleep in case tomorrow never came was replaced by a certainty of the future. a promise of conversations to come. you don’t have to do it, i see that, but yet you want to. i’m grateful, flattered, even. such a simple courtesy is so often ignored between the sexes. its a simple thing, but after so many rides around the merry go round you know the little signs that mark these budding affections. its sad how inevitable it seems after a while. when you’ve played the game this many times you know the moves and yet instead of your overarching wisdom bringing you excitement as the steps advance, your little joys are increasingly tinged with dread. because while something so petty can often be the beginning, it is also the beginning of the end. 

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

—   Maya Angelou (via kari-shma)

i feel like i’m approaching the ending…

of what i don;t know, nor do i know why, but i can’t escape this unnerving feeling that it, something, everything, is going to end soon. It feels as if there is this massive storm gathering on the horizon and I am the only one who can see it and i can’t shake the haunting feeling that it’s coming for me. It clouds my mind and numbs my thoughts and all i can think is that i’m not ready for this storm to break, i am nowhere near ready for the end.

why, why, a million times why

i have the complete and unshakable ability to repel every person i come near. the more i want to be with someone, the faster they run, they harder they fight. its like the minute i see how much i want to be with someone, not even romantically just around them, this noxious gas emanates from my psyche and makes them want to stay the fuck away from me. i keep telling myself not to feel, not to want, not to hope, but i feel as if I’m rebelling against my very being. Is it my subconscious desire that is so utterly repulsive to people or is it once they begin to see past my overly made-up mask they notice something that disgusts and scares them. People say that once you stop looking the right one will find you, but what if they never stay? I can’t stop seeing, can’t stop hoping that maybe, just maybe, this person can handle all the crazy fucked-up shit i have going on and that maybe I’m not alone for once, but every time i get too close they run. And its seriously killing me inside, the thought that i will continue to repel every person in my life until I am truly as alone as I feel.

And people wonder why I like wine so much.

new life motto people

keep your mind open, your chin up, and your heart in your pocket.

i have no idea how i came up with that myself but im kind of a little proud i did.

nostrokesjuststrudels:

itsforscience:

HAPPY NEW YEAR, watching Mulan after HBP was a good choice.

dying

iuahslifiuogouifhoghlrigpowerif

no words

(via dailylifeofadisneyfreak)

Fili and Kili you little shits: a haiku

Fili and Kili

where are the fucking ponies

you guys had one job

perfect.

(Source: superwinchesterbrothers, via tresbienbitch)

true dat
Caitlin - Some Nights Tumblr Version

anniewinston:

Some Nights - Tumblr Version


Lyrics:

Some nights, I stay up staring at my laptop

Some nights, I don’t sleep at all

Some nights, I ‘m glad that my dash is never ending

Some nights, I wish I could log off

But I still stay up, I still read your posts

Oh Lord, I’m still not sure why I’m awake at four

What do I scroll for? What do I scroll for?

Most nights, I don’t know anymore…

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh

This is it, these are ship wars

What are we fighting for?

Why don’t we read fanfic already?

I was never one to sleep at night - save that for those who have a life

Post twice as much and get half as many likes, but here feels come again

To stay for a while

But that’s alright; I blog from in my bed tonight

I blog because I’m wonderin’ just who I, who I, who I am

Oh, who am I? mmm… I have no life

Well, some nights, I wish that my dash would end

‘Cause I could use some friends for a change

And some nights, I’m scared I’ll hit post limit again

Some nights, I always hit, I always hit…

But I still stay up, I still read your posts

Oh Lord, I’m still not sure why I’m awake at four

What do I scroll for? What do I scroll for?

Most nights, I don’t know… 

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?

Left my social life for this? Or do I have no friends because of this?

(/awkward pause where I didn’t know what to write/)

So log on.

Log on.

Log on,

OH LOG ON!

Well, that is it guys, that is all, scroll twelve pages down and I’m bored again
Ten years of this, and only bloggers understand 
I’m not sticking ‘round with my folks downstairs; Sorry to leave, mom, I had ship pairs
I’m going to be forever alone, all dried up from my laptop brightness

My heart is breaking for my OTP and the con that they call “love”
‘Cuz when they look into each other’s eyes…
Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from…
Some terrible writers…ahhh…

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh

The other night, you wouldn’t believe the fic I just read about my OTP

I wish it would update already

I wish you’d tag all of your stuff, man.

Why won’t you tag all of your stuff, man? oh…

I’m never logging off

Why would I ever log off Tumblr… oh …

Oh, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh.

image

THIS IS THE TUMBLR ANTHEM

IF YOU DO NOT REBLOG THIS YOU MIGHT AS WELL LOG OFF AND OR SHUT DOWN YOUR BLOG BECAUSE ALL OF TUMBLR HAS REJECTED YOU.

this is beautiful

This is amazing. 

Sad thing is very word is true.

(via dnelsonn)